Global warming unthaws warrior mermaids and mermen frozen during last ice age
Global warming has unthawed an entire race of warrior mermen and mermaids in the Arctic, scientists revealed today. At a packed press conference in Boulder, Colorado, Dr. Mark Xyzzy of the National Institute for Cryosphere Exploration and Tertiary Research on Yetis (NICETRY) revealed the details of the discovery: "We've been operating robot research submarines under the sea ice in the Chukchi Sea north of Barrow, Alaska this winter, as part of International Geophysical Year studies on the dynamics of arctic sea ice loss," commented Dr. Xyzzy. "Last week, one of our submersibles caught a remarkable video of a warrior mermaid, armed with a trident, riding past the submarine on the back of a narwhal. We were able to track the mermaid to her home--an underwater merfolk city at the bottom of the Chukchi Sea. The city had been thawed out in 2005 by warm water currents invading the Arctic due to global warming. These mermaids and mermen had been frozen into the underwater permafrost since the onset of the last ice age, 115,000 years ago. We undertook immediate efforts to establish communications with the merfolk, by sending in divers with underwater writing boards who were able to work out a simple symbol-based language. We learned that the Chukchi Sea merfolk are at war with a tribe of rival merfolk in the Greenland Sea. The two tribes have been fighting a heated underwater battle for dominance of the Arctic Ocean ever since global warming thawed out both tribes in 2005. It is the explosions from their undersea battles that have been the dominant cause of arctic sea ice loss since 2005, not global warming, as had been previously assumed. A team of experienced United Nations negotiators is now in the Arctic, attempting to broker a truce between the rivals and save the arctic sea ice from further destruction."
Figure 1. Merfolk negotiator Urgok Nzgradborkan and an exhausted U.N. diplomat take a break after a grueling all-night round of peace talks.
Critics of climate change science immediately pounced upon the news to unleash a new barrage of criticism against the National Intergovernmental and Territorial Panel to Investigate Climate Change (NITPICC). "The computer climate models used by the NITPICC utterly failed to anticipate the record loss of arctic sea ice due to underwater explosions from merfolk battles," commented spokesman Markoff Chaney of the Very Competitive Free Enterprise Institute. The Institute maintains of staff of top-notch scientists who swear that their funding from the fossil fuel industry does not affect the objectivity of their science. "This new "mermaid-gate" scandal proves that we can't trust climate models to say diddly-squat that's right about global warming, nah-nah-na-nah-nah!" taunted Chaney.
The head of NITPICC, Dr. R. J. Donteventrytopronouncemylastname, conceded that his organization had some work to do. "We're working very hard to incorporate the effect of underwater explosions from merfolk sea battles into the NITPICC models," said Dr. Donteventrytopronouncemylastname. "We've also begun to explore the impacts on sea ice should other denizens of the Arctic unthaw. For instance, the possibility exists that plesiosaurs from the time of the dinosaurs may be frozen in the underwater arctic permafrost. Should global warming thaw out these great leviathans of the deep, the turbulence from their swimming motions could cause significant cracking and breakup of the sea ice. We now have a new plesiosaur parameterization module built into our top models to account for this possibility."
Dr. Xyzzy of NICETRY commented, "I applaud NITPICC's efforts to incorporate their Underwater Merfolk Battle Module and Plesiosaur Parameterization Module into the climate models. However, I caution that they might also need to build modules to simulate the effects of astrology, thermography, ice-nine, and the warming effect of hot air coming out of Washington politicians, before critics of the NITPICC models will be satisfied."
April Fools!
Internet radio appearance today
I'll be appearing with San Francisco-based wunderground meteorologists Shaun Tanner and Tim Roche on The Daily Downpour Internet radio show at 4:20 pm EDT today, to talk about weather, hurricanes, and climate change. There will not be the opportunity to call in today. No foolin'!
Jeff Masters
Reader Comments
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Its all real. The mermen are attacking, and they set off the 9.1 quake in the GOM near the Knot Phunny atoll chain, causing the atolls to sink into the sea.
Chevron Reports that Dolphins and Mako Sharks are Riding the Tsunami Crest Northward..as well.
We've just Upgraded to DEFCON 3.
Is that a fish swimming by my window outside??
Hey, Wait a minute
knot phunny atoll sounds like
not funny at all!
I don't know what you are talking about. Nope, knot atoll.
The Christian Science Monitor, Horizons
Top five online April Fools' pranks
By Matthew Shaer / March 31, 2010
April Fools' Day has been around at least a couple of centuries, but in recent years, it's become a favorite holiday of web-savvy pranksters, who every April 1 set out to hoax, tease, or otherwise bewilder nerds across the globe. From upside-down streaming video and helicopter hotels to a Desktop Zero-Point Infinite Power Generator, here's a look at some of our favorite digital April Fools' pranks.
• On April 1, 2008, Google and Virgin joined forces for an April Fools' prank of epic proportions. In a promo emblazoned across the Google search page, the two companies unveiled "Virgle: The Adventure of Many Lifetimes." Virgle, Google promised, would ensure the colonization of the planet Mars. Motto: "Things will get better, eventually."
• Forget that boring old poke feature. In 2007, Facebook rolled out a functionality called LivePoke, which promised to dispatch a real person to poke a friend of your choice. Unfortunately, LivePoke was limited to the first 100 users in any given network. No word on how all that poking played out.
• In 2004, the very real website ThinkGeek began selling a very fake Desktop Zero-Point Infinite Power Generator, which harnesses the "seething abundant energy" of the universe, and cranks out 120 Volts of electricity. "ThinkGeek recommends you drain the unit's non-volatile waste chamber once every three months, and dispose of the tritium/deuterium slurry at a licensed disposal facility," ThinkGeek's promo copy notes. Sound crazy? "We've had people e-mailing us from all over the world telling us they were very interested in it," ThinkGeek buyer Scott Smith told Wired.
• Last year, an advertisement for the "Hotelicopter" hit the web. "The Hotelicopter features 18 luxuriously-appointed rooms for adrenaline junkies seeking a truly unique and memorable travel experience," an advertisement promised. Consumers were invited to pre-book a 16 day tour of Europe in this "flying five star hotel." Not for the airsick.
• That same year, the UK paper the Guardian announced that it was eliminating its print edition – and going "Twitter-only." A Guardian spokesman said that the broadsheet would seek to reduce all of its back-catalog to 140-character blasts. "For example," the Guardian noted, "Martin Luther King's legendary 1963 speech on the steps of the Lincoln memorial appears in the Guardian's Twitterised archive as 'I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the colour of their skin but by,' eliminating the waffle and bluster of the original."
i think your heart was in the right place for funnin on the day of fools. too many earthquakes lately, too many people lost.
All I am saying is that it sounds very science fiction...ish
I need distinct proof before i can believe this and this is just not good enough
nope knot atoll
img src="My new 125Holeinground Rain detector...made by Shovel Inc
Good one Dr. Masters
Although you forgot to mention the aliens are attacking Mars
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
that ain't funny, Auburn.
;-)
.."I thought for sure the Mermen would be taller for some reason"..
bang, bang, bang
I can hear your cannons call
You've been aiming at my land
Your hungry hammer is falling
And if you want me
I'm your country
I'm an angel bored like hell
And you're a devil meaning well
You steal my lines
And you strike me dumb
Come raise your flag upon me
And if you want me
I'm your country
If you win me,
I'm forever
Oh yeah
'Cause you're the storm that I've been needing
And all this peace has been deceiving
I like the sweet life
and the silence
But it's the storm that I believe in
Come and conquer and drop your bombs
Cross my borders
and kill the calm
Bear your fangs and burn my wings
I hear bullets singing
And if you want me
I'm your country
If you win me
I'm forever
'Cause you're the storm that I've been needing
And all this peace has been deceiving
I need some wind to get me sailing
So it's the storm that I believe in
You fill my heart
You keep me breathing
'Cause you're the storm
that I believe in
And if you want me I'm your country
Ya wonder how many folks got hit with the Youtube TEXTp resolution item. LoL
Youtube - April Fools Joke 2010
You would think with all those bright minds and lots of money they could come up with better joke than topeka, LAME.
Yeah, its disappointing. My company has a better one up on our internal home page.
Texas forgot how to swim
Topeka renames itself Google for a month
Link
Something on the pcworld link is causing my IE to crash. (save the comments about me using IE6... I've already thought of them)
I'm surprised that there are actually some below-normal rainfall shading along the Florida Panhandle coast during June 2005 considering Arlene had traversed that area during that time period. I suppose the remainder of June must have been dry for that area.
I know, I just upgraded yesterday on the business laptop. I had to leverage the IT department to do so. Most sites have abandoned IE6 as of today. They finally figured it out (when they could not access several resources they used) and let us do it. I feel your pain :)
I think it's a funny double-gag...but then, I'm easily amused.
Welcome back around, TDude -- your team held up pretty well for a long while -- Duke, what a monster. Can we start an April Fool's Day joke that the entire team has H1N1 without getting banned AND sued?
google has a good april fool joke today :)
Yep. They set out a guideline to have IE8 as our standard for 2010.. but who knows when we will get the upgrade. (they will likely have to update our computers... they are THAT old)
A couple of the guys think it's lame -- so we're both easily amused, I guess! Happy April Fool's Day! :)
ADD: Nice one, Pat. Toto's cuzin Taz is romping around in my avatar!
haha hey! and yeah, I can work on that one ;)
just go to google
I'll leave it in your capable virtual hands, then.
So which school did you decide on for yourself (not B-ball, lol) for now?
Was and/or IS all of Indiana joyous about Butler? That's a good story!
Google is going to offer a US city its newest high speed internet service. Topeka, KS wants to be the first city to receive the upgrade, so it named itself "Google, KS" for 30 days. In turn, "Google, Inc" has temporarily named itself "Topeka"!!
Always the gentleman...even today...what's up your sleeve, c'mon, give! (:
Interesting way for Google, Inc and Topeka, KS to get a little publicity!!
One for the road -- L8R :)
The Top 100 April Fool's Day Hoaxes of All Time
As judged by notoriety, creativity, and number of people duped
My left and right arm!! ha, ha, ha!!How is your weather in MD today? We here in the DFW area are enjoying Pt Sunny skies, a stiff S wind at 20-35 MPH and temps reaching for 80F by 4PM CDT today!!
Tomorrow, we will pay with severe thunderstorms, the joys of Spring in Tornado Alley!!
Tomorrow, about the same...
Easter Sunday, about the same...
G-d willing and the creek don't rise!
Whoops, I got a day ahead of myself...Sat. in the 80's...Sun, rain/t-storms maybe. Not a bad run, though!
Wow, an early Spring "heat-wave"?? After the 6 feet of snow that fell in your neck of the woods, I betcha enjoying your weather!
We went from a half of inch of snow, temps near 32F last Saturday, to sunny and 85F here yesterday!!
On the "bizarre" scale, I'm thinking yours beat ours out. After all, we do have a huge snowstorm about once a decade and we do have pretty springs...except when we go straight to humid disgusting frizzy hair-days. Triple huge snows here was a bit debilitating, tho.
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